i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
