Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
