Jerry, you need to find god
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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