captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
