Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
