forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
