In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize