My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
