he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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