and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
