It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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