i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
