she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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