Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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