The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
