We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
