Someone shit on the floor
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
