I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
