I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize