Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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