I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
