U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
