hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
