he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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