Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
