they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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