Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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