My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
