So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
