I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Floor bacon is actually really good
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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