Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
