girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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