turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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