Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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