Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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