Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
