How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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