I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
