guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
