Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
