Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize