I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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