wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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