Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
