just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
