Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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