you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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