theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The struggles of a small town man whore
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
