U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
