im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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