i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize