I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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