I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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