Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
