I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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